Wow 2016

It’s been a helluva year hasn’t it? Trump is President elect, UK voted to leave the EU, the world of music and entertainment have lost the most incredible people; Lemmy, David Bowie being the two that make me most sad.

There have been major highlights for me though. I saw AC/DC – albeit with Axl instead of Brian but it was an awesome weekend in London. The atmosphere was incredible and considering Axl’s previous form (online scathing reviews) he was bloody amazing!

I moved house. Stressful but we’re here and making it our own. My fiancé and I started new jobs and my teenage Son started a new school to complete his A levels. In all, it’s been a rollercoaster year for emotions.

After seeing a post on LinkedIn earlier today about Suicide, basically asking for people to put forward their experiences, I’ve been in contact with the post originator. WTH am I doing? I know when I talk about things I get emotional so why am I doing this?

I guess, I need to. I’ve allowed myself this cage for a great deal of my life. Disabled my voice so that others aren’t uncomfortable whilst burning up inside with pain and torturing myself more because of the accompanying guilt for reaching out. I cannot do that any longer. I’ve got one life, even if that seems like based on what I’ve just written, I wasn’t that concerned about but hear me…. I am. I’m still here. Regardless of what has gone before. Regardless of how I felt or was overlooked, ignored, shamed, taunted.

I will go on in 2017 because no matter how bad you feel the time has been before now, the fact you can still reflect, means your pushing forward, pushing through. So farewell(ish) to 2016 and hello 2017. I welcome the rollercoaster, even if I’m still afraid of the height….

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Pyramids of DOOM!

Awesome piece

You’ll be aware of my pessimism lately with regards to many things in education, so here’s another to add to the list. Anything that is in a pyramid should be treated with caution! There, I’ve said it. The fact that something is represented as a pyramid seems to give it a legitimacy; “it must be real, the pyramid said so”. Unfortunately, I’m not so convinced and in my humble opinion, the only place we should see pyramids is in Egypt…and Mexico…

I must admit that I’ve been as guilty as the next person of falling foul to things in pyramids. I like diagrams to explain concepts and I like being told that my problems will be solved by following a new strategy (even though I don’t actually have a problem to solve). Let’s look at some pyramids that we might want to be wary of:

1. The…

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Lets start at the beginning – Birth trauma & PND

jl's blog

My story is ancient history now but I think relevant  I’m relieved that good PMH care is recognised as vital now although it’s still not perfect

When I became pregnant with my first child I wanted it all to be perfect – the perfect birth with the perfect child. Instead my experience was one of everything that could go wrong did. With all day morning sickness that failed to improve at week 16 I was prescribed debendox. Weeks later the newspaper were full of headlines like ‘ debendox the new thalidomide?’ Scans were not great in those days so the rest of my pregnancy was a very anxious time.

Two weeks overdue it was decided I should be induced and that’s when it all went wrong. The trainee Dr running red faced from the room because he couldn’t break my waters leaving me strung up in an undignified way! I…

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Be the difference

There are few things in this world that make me truly sad for humanity. I believe that we all have the power to change; what we see, do and hear that is wrong or unjustifiable. We can take the time out of our busy lives to make a real change to just one person.

However, we can also treat one another with such distane and distance ourselves from what is the core of what makes us human to such a point that people stop reaching out, stop asking for a lift out of their dispair, close themselves of.

Today is #WorldMentalDay. I’ve seen inspirational posts on LinkedIn, Twitter and Instagram. People opening themselves up – transparency of the extraordinary kind – and the support given to these individuals has been astounding, it really has.

In the run up to this, I did see a few, likewise posts from people I follow (rather than those whom I call friends) on FaceBook. A particular post caught my attention and requested people to add a Twibbon to your own profile pages. I am not good with sharing my own dance with depression but I did indeed, add to my own image and shared alike.

And what was the response? The first and only comment, from a ‘friend’. A shirty, passive aggressive remark that shattered my confidence and I remained stuck in a downward spriral for the remainder of the day. I did respond. In what I feel was a far more open-minded and enlightened way, remarking that I would actually be a good poster-girl for the MH campaign as I am proof that you can come through this. I felt empowered and also fraudulent simultaneously. For you see, if I truly felt that was and had the power to believe I had reached the other side, why oh why did I become so upset?

That, my friend, is the crux. And the point of this monologue. To make joke at the expense of someone, or a group, or a cause, is what scares me about the human race. We have the power to be there and give someone a lift when they may (or may not) need it but all too often we use a joke as a bullying tactic to humiliate and bring someone down for our own benefit; be that make us feel better, to genuinely make someone feel bad or just to project what we ourselves are feeling at that moment in time.

Whether you understand from first hand experience or have empathy for those alongside you in the (forgive this) journey to the grave, be kind people. Trolling is one thing, being just mean spirited can ruin a perfectly good day.

 

I’ve decided that in order to to help myself grow from my past, there are some areas I want to revisit. This may seem counterintuitive however I loved to draw when I was much younger and throughout school. It was time I looked beyond the rubbish and put pencil to paper.

This weekend was a conscious decision to start drawing again. Well, attempt to.

Walking in the art supplies aisles initially made me feel like a fraud. Why? Possibly a an instilled desire to be accepted and told how good I am is clouding my vision of what being me really means. The first couple of stores and with fiancé in tow, I made excuses and found reasons to be somewhere else, find something more important, be anywhere but there.

The following day I forced myself to return. Even then, it was beginning to feel like self mutilation until a dear friend called me just as I crossed the store threshold for a second day. She talked. I listened.

As she spoke, I meandered through the store, faking interest in supplies but intently of her. She spoke of her own experiences with depression, specifically since her bully of a mother passed away. Talking of guilt and a life lost in pain, she was reaching out, whether she knew this or not. I wanted to be near and hold her. In a futile way, I too want to feel this but I don’t share. Or at least I’m not particularly good at it.

My friend is amazing I tell you. We’ve known each other for over 14 years. She is one of those people that being kind, generous, funny and happy comes naturally. We met through a common interest and a want to make self-improvements. An evening course in what was previously my old school. Not art, ICT. We just clicked. No pun intended.

I love getting her calls. She can talk forever. What a talent.

 

WANTED – Adult Children of Narcissists for a survey

At 45 and still coming to terms and learning more each day, week, month and year that passes. Missed the survey deadline but extremely glad I came across this on Pinterest. My eyes as well as my heart is letting in the light. The honesty and willingness of others to share their story is a welcome home I was never granted. Thank you sharing x

An Upturned Soul

Narcissist parent

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PLEASE NOTE – This survey has been re-opened and is available throughout the month of June 2015 for those wanting to participate in it. You can find it here – Parental Communication Measurement Study

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What do you tell other people about your childhood?

Do you edit it, rewrite it, make it sound normal or tell it like it was?

What do you tell yourself about your childhood?

Do you remember it well? Do your memories of it make you smile or would you prefer to forget it happened, but can’t because it influences your adulthood?

How do you describe your parents to others?

The way they want to be described or the way you experienced them – is that the same thing or different? Or the way others, friends, acquaintances and strangers, want you to describe them for their benefit, but not yours?

Do you speak about your…

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