Life on Mars

Waking after a horrid dream is never a pleasant experience but add a dash of self loathing in once you’ve read a trigger article online and you truly have a recipe for a great start to your day.

The question now, the one which I ask as I hunt down my blog (since it’s been a while) is do I commit to writing my feelings and what prompted them? Is it cathartic? Indulgent? Will it produce further destructive thoughts and self deprecation? Probably, that’s what happens along with the lack of desire to look after one’s self; no shower, no make up, no respect (I’m not saying I need those to feel self respect but I know if I don’t do these the loathing will increase throughout the day).

The dream brought several people to my thoughts; mother, brother, ex. Even in the dreamed I cried. Even in the dream I was dressed inappropriately, dressing gown, whilst amongst a crowd of inert human beings. My brother told me he was gay. Not the reason I was upset, I was reaching out to him, wanting to connect and he left, no communication except when I wanted to make the effort and then at that point he was already moving away. My mother was upset, losing her boy, and countless people were reminiscing and sharing goodbyes, goodlucks, finger food and love as he left but not with me. My presence was incidental and not remarked upon. Only my ex noted my tear stained face and not with words, but for once a kind or empathetic look, nothing more.

This all compounded after reading a news article regarding adult survivors of childhood abuse. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-43927947 It made me sick to my stomach.

I’m such a mess.

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