*Warning – lots of self-deprecation coming*
Another business trip to London today. Up at 4am, was quite awake actually, although the vibration from the phone alarm clock startled the crap out of my partner.
My thoughts weren’t so much about today as they were about the god awful weekend; drunk, rowing, sober, rowing, trying to mend bridges, not mending bridges but almost completely trashing a relationship. That’s the condensed version. The expanded is even worse and I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been on my partner. The gnawing, sick growl in the pit of my stomach and flashbacks tell me all I need to know about how awful it was.
I don’t know why I do it. There seems to be an overwhelming desire to me to completely destroy everything around me or to do such despicable things to justify my hatred and angst. Both of those being aimed solely at me. I hate myself then I project that onto others, namely my partner.
I’m too afraid to return to the GP. Afraid I will be turned away as a hypochondriac. Someone seeking attention (the LAST thing I want). My brain takes me in a myriad of directions from self-loathing to Ooo, I could paint the wall ombre style and back along suicidal lane. But the one true constant is I feel guilt. All the time. Guilt for feeling good (that led to a couple or more glasses of wine), then guilt for feeling bad (after the wine), then guilt that I’m not a good or even nice person because I’m a bitch after wine. Guilt, guilt and more bloody guilt.
Sat on the train heading home from London. Good day but anxiety and guilt laden nonetheless; did I prepare enough, was the team who came with me unhappy with my presentation, should I have waited for 2 plus hours for the train instead of getting into a panic attack and buying another ticket so I could be in the safety of my own home! I mean for pity’s sake!
I was asked once at the mental health meeting, did I ever hear voices. No was the honest answer as the context is always that unless it’s a voice of an entity other than you, it’s your own inner monologue – and that’s just fine. Only it isn’t. When you’re own inner voice is loud and quite irritatingly proud in your head saying, “you’re sooooo awful and everyone is sooooooo much better off without you” it’s paralysing and hypnotic.